For example: “So?” Inuyasha puffed up his chest and stepped up to Ryouji ready for a fight. Ryouji slinked back in fear. This would be awkward because 'slinked' isn't a word. The past tense of 'slink' is 'slunk'.
Another sort of thing would be this: “Inuyasha!” Kagome yelled at him. “Stop it, please.” Kagome noticed that as Inuyasha continued to yell at him, Ryouji’s eyes welled up with tears. The awkwardness is in the redundancy. That is, using the verb 'yell' twice in the matter of just a few sentences. It would flow better if you used a synonym for one or the other, such as 'shout'.
Also: Ryouji’s lip quivered, and he was shocked as he tried to process all her information. I think what catches me about this sentence is just the way it was organized, and there's a little feeling of being told, rather than shown, with the shocked aspect of the sentence. A way of making it sound more fluent would maybe be, "Ryouji's lip quivered as he tried to process the information he had been presented; he seemed stunned by the news."
Anyway, those are just a few examples I picked out. ^^; Hope it helps.
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ninetydegrees
no subject
on 2006-12-16 07:07 pm (UTC)For example:
“So?” Inuyasha puffed up his chest and stepped up to Ryouji ready for a fight. Ryouji slinked back in fear. This would be awkward because 'slinked' isn't a word. The past tense of 'slink' is 'slunk'.
Another sort of thing would be this:
“Inuyasha!” Kagome yelled at him. “Stop it, please.” Kagome noticed that as Inuyasha continued to yell at him, Ryouji’s eyes welled up with tears. The awkwardness is in the redundancy. That is, using the verb 'yell' twice in the matter of just a few sentences. It would flow better if you used a synonym for one or the other, such as 'shout'.
Also:
Ryouji’s lip quivered, and he was shocked as he tried to process all her information. I think what catches me about this sentence is just the way it was organized, and there's a little feeling of being told, rather than shown, with the shocked aspect of the sentence. A way of making it sound more fluent would maybe be, "Ryouji's lip quivered as he tried to process the information he had been presented; he seemed stunned by the news."
Anyway, those are just a few examples I picked out. ^^; Hope it helps.