This is gonna sound weird, but hear me out: This is totally an S&M fic. Now listen. What I mean is: There is no tenderness in their treatment of one another. There are angles. There are things pointed and just shy of dangerous, and things tanned smooth and whiplike. There are challenges and games. There is no honesty, no smile without its hint of individual triumph. They are not in love to be in love. They are in love to win. There is a delicious undercurrent of sexual tension running through the whole last scene (which, by the way, I would have loved to have seen a little earlier - the sexual tension, I mean.), and it is the most tense kind of sexual tension possible. And yet, they are, in truth, in love. At least Kyouya is. He, at least, has a cavity in his heart, and she fills it. And the fact that he cannot be totally sure of her motivations - of her love - towards him; the fact that this is what he so loves about her: this is where your story is absolutely perfect, and where it is almost uncomfortably reminiscent of S&M.
In that light, best line: A flash of a dream enters his mind of restless and angry nights of just the two of them – toe to toe, teeth to teeth.
And, because I am nitpicky and these sorts of things bug me - you swap around between Japanese and Western naming conventions - "Haruhi Fujioka" but "Tonnerre Eclaire-san". It niggles.
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This is totally an S&M fic.
Now listen. What I mean is:
There is no tenderness in their treatment of one another. There are angles. There are things pointed and just shy of dangerous, and things tanned smooth and whiplike. There are challenges and games. There is no honesty, no smile without its hint of individual triumph. They are not in love to be in love. They are in love to win. There is a delicious undercurrent of sexual tension running through the whole last scene (which, by the way, I would have loved to have seen a little earlier - the sexual tension, I mean.), and it is the most tense kind of sexual tension possible. And yet, they are, in truth, in love. At least Kyouya is. He, at least, has a cavity in his heart, and she fills it. And the fact that he cannot be totally sure of her motivations - of her love - towards him; the fact that this is what he so loves about her: this is where your story is absolutely perfect, and where it is almost uncomfortably reminiscent of S&M.
In that light, best line: A flash of a dream enters his mind of restless and angry nights of just the two of them – toe to toe, teeth to teeth.
And, because I am nitpicky and these sorts of things bug me - you swap around between Japanese and Western naming conventions - "Haruhi Fujioka" but "Tonnerre Eclaire-san". It niggles.